Write On Sports LLC - "DRAUGHT DAY" by Steve Kay

DRAUGHT DAY

2008-05-09 18:06:31 | By: Steve Kay

“THINK OUTSIDE THE CAN!”

“Excuse me! Excuse me! Could you turn on ESPN?

“Yeah, I’ll be right with you, just a minute!”

“How you doing?” asked the bartender as tossed a New York Giants Super Bowl Championship beer mat into place. “Whaddaya have?”

Yeah.

“What’s your pleasure?” asked the bartender.

A good draft, he whispered.

“Excuse me? Whaddya have to drink?

Do you have Bud in a can?

“Bud in a can? Hey Sanders, this isn’t a beer garden, this is The Beer Stadium! We serve over 200 beers on tap, in every style, and from every part of the world! Everything we pour is on tap; you’ll never find a beer bottle, or can in here, period.

The name isn’t Sanders. I’m not Barry Sanders, said Detroit Lions General Manager, Matt Millen.

“No kidding, you’re not Barry Sanders? Your jersey almost had me fooled for a second! You’re a 50 year old white guy; whaddya you think, you can play like him?”

No, but I’d sure like to have about ten of ‘em, muttered Millen.

“Hey Detroit, whaddya in town for,” asked the bartender?

A draft--- why do you want to know?

“Relax, I’m just busting’ your balls; the first round is on me. Welcome to New York, Detroit! How about a Bud Light?

That’s good.

“Why the Sanders jersey? Didn’t football season end in February? How ‘bout them Giants beating the New England Cheaters and their coach, Bill Bilicheat! They deserved it!”

I’m praying for a good day tomorrow.

“Praying for a good day? What are you doing, working on your Fantasy Draft?”

Uh, no.

“Last year, even though I hate him, and any true Giant fan will agree with me, but I respect his ability, I drafted Tom Brady. He scored a hell of a lot of points and I won my league! You should draft him too! And try to get Randy Moss, that way if they hook up for a td, you get double the points!"

Bartenders! They all think they know how to run a football team. What makes you think you know so much about football? Who are you? Mel Kiper?

“I won my fantasy football league two years in a row and I drafted last each time!”

So, now you’re an expert? You pour beer and alcohol for a living! Maybe I should call you ‘Mel Dekuyper?’ I’m sure you have poured a few shots of schnapps in your day!

“Who are you drafting?”

It’s not that kind of draft.

“I get it! You had me turn on ESPN for their NFL Draft preview show. You’re doing a mock draft. I love mock drafts; I watched all 14 hours and 24 minutes of it.

You what?

“Yeah, I love the draft! I watched it all. I purposely scheduled myself all day Saturday and Sunday--- Might as well get paid to watch something you love!

So you… follow it on TV? That qualifies you as an expert?

“Here and on-line, when I get home. I even did a few mock drafts. Well, actually I did a lot of drafts. I think I am pretty good.”

That makes you an expert?

“Well, I took some psychology classes in college and combined with my people experiences here at the bar, I know a lot about the human psyche.”

Yeah, while their drunk!

“No, I know how the mind works.”

Really? Okay, Mr. Hot Damn Schnapps, who would you pick?

“What position are you picking in?

Fifteen, said Millen.

“Number fifteen? I would take Illinois running back, Rashard Mendenhall; he’ s reliable, durable and fast. He ate up the Big 10 this year; didn’t he lead the league in rushing?”

Who are you, Dr. Phil or something? Psychoanalyzing every move?

“I work every Saturday and Sunday, plus Monday nights, so I get to watch a lot of sports here. There’s a dozen TV’s and they are all equipped with the NFL network. I watch all the games here live and all the games are replayed on the NFL network in the off season.

It’s not a mock draft, replied Millen.

“Whaddaya a writer? You work for the Detroit paper? Do you guys still do outlines and rough drafts? I remember in fifth grade we had to write…”

No. We don’t do rough drafts! And we don’t use typewriters either!

“You want another beer?”

Yeah, give me another Bud.

“So what are you working on?”

The draft; tomorrow, I am picking fifteenth.

“Yeah you said that already!”

No, seriously, I am Matt Millen, the General Manager of the Detroit Lions.

“C’mon, you’re yanking my chain, right?”

No, I am not kidding you.

“So, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be holed up in your ‘war room’ working on strategy or something?”

Well, I used to do that in past years and so far that strategy hasn’t worked.

“Yeah, I’ll say! Your first round [draft] busts are better known than Pamela Anderson’s tits. Laughs. You put the ‘mock’ in draft when you picked Joey Harrington in 2002, Charles Rogers in 2003, and Mike Williams in 2005. Dude, you suck!”

Yeah, I know. I’ve had some rough drafts, that’s why I’m here!

“So, you really want advice from me?”

No, I don’t!

“Here, try this, its Bell’s Oberon, it’s one our best, most requested beers---it’s on me.”

Thanks, hmm this is good!

“You go for the flash, don’t you? You bit on Joey’s long ball? Were in awe of Rogers making the circus catch, and were star struck by Williams’ reputation?”

I don’t see it that way at all. They were legitimate star players in college and deserve to be …”

“Drafted?”

Yeah, they earned it.

“You see this draft? (Points to beer) This Bud is a player.”

The beer is a player?

“This beer represents a potential first round draft choice!”

Now you really proved my point! What do you know about football?

“You see the head on this beer?”

What?

“The head is proportional to the body.”

What are you talking about? You’re nuts!

“See, that’s your problem! You don’t see the entire picture. You’re just focusing on the glass and not what’s in the glass.”

I see beer! That’s what’s in the glass.

“Yeah, you see beer, but the beer has a good head which compliments the body.”

What are you talking about?

“I mean, the players you drafted in the past, their abilities didn’t match their heads. They were big, tall, fast and possess a good arm, but their mental abilities prevented them from being extraordinary, like a first round pick should.”

What are you talking about?

“When you came in here, you ordered a Budweiser.”

Yeah, so?

“There are over 200 different beers served here, did you even look at our menu?”

No.

“See what I mean? You probably have been ordering Bud in a can for years?”

…Yeah.

“Well, you’re so focused on Bud, that you don’t see the Becks, Killians, Fosters, Heinekens, Millers or Labatts. You need to think outside the can! Your old standby is fine, but you never know if there is something better out there unless you try.”

I see… Maybe I’ll try that. Give me another Oberon!

“Hold on there, not so fast! You have a big day tomorrow; think about the beer, just don’t drink the beer!”