Write On Sports LLC - "The Buckstash Gap" by Mathew S. Weiler

The Buckstash Gap

2006-11-11 13:31:12 | By: Mathew S. Weiler

These last days, I have been approaching the Michigan-Ohio State game like anyone else on either side of Toledo: I have been Effing losing it. In the process, I keep coming back to one thought, over and over again: Ohio State fans want this more than Michigan fans. Not that this disparity will have a meaningful impact on the outcome of The Game -- it is how badly the players want it and how well the coaches prepare them that will carry the day -- but as a Michigan fan this relative lack of zealotry has me thinking.

The sports-watching nation is familiar with the thumbnail stereotypes of Michigan and Ohio State fans. Michigan fans are smug, and Ohio State fans are maniacal. Michigan fans sip chardonnay at tailgates, and Ohio State fans throw batteries at opposing teams' fans. Michigan fans say “Go Blue,” Ohio States fans say “F*** Michigan.” Think these stereotypes are over-blown? Well, maybe a little. But it is not-for-nothing that convenience stores in Columbus have discontinued sales of glass bottles through the end of the semester. The boys at the MZone (the best of many good Michigan football blogs) have been raising awareness for one peculiarly alarming aspect of Bucknut nation: the Buckstash. Recently, mustachioed persons from Ohio have been involved in a slew of unfortunate mishaps, from masturbating at a public library, to Maurice Clarett’s arrest with a cache of weapons and bullet-proof vest.

In light of recent events, I had viewed the Buckstash solely in tragic terms: if Bucknuts were only less hirsute (and less prone to embarrassingly misbegotten public sex acts), their plight would be less severe. But that is only half the story. Nefarious associations aside, there may be enduring (if menacing) powers associated with the Buckstash. In popular culture, facial hair is associated with aggression, and facial hair is emblematic of warrior culture: William Wallace’s men vanquished their more effete, less hirsute English counterparts; It is a long-standing tradition for hockey players to go through the NHL Playoffs unshorn; You can bet that when the nomadic hordes sacked Rome, they sported a hundred styles of Buckstash. To give yet another example, it is doubtful that a pre-Civil War, clean-shaven Abraham Lincoln could have realized the oratory and leadership prowess of his bearded, Civil War self.

Given these historic associations, the Buckstash (or some approximation thereof) may be the way to bridge the zealotry gap. A way for Michigan fans to beat Bucknuts at their own game. But rather than becoming foul-mouthed, bottle-chucking, couch-burning cretins, Michigan fans can counter the more aggressive Bucknut ideology by channeling the ghosts of Lincoln and Wallace’s men. Do not shave until November 18. Let’s root on Michigan unshaven, unabashedly, and without reservation. Go Blue!

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